Topic: New Member

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

New Member
29.12.2019 by User87864P37

I admit I have not been properly described with Alexithymia. I just took this quiz and it seemed to fit me so damn well...141 so hey...must be a hint towards something.
I know I feel emotions... I admittedly dont like certain ones. Like sadness or anger. So. I always hide them or act happy.

But most of all....its like emotions and feelings are stuck. Just expressing them to myself is a challenge. Muchless another person.
Its almost impossible for me to even say basic simple stuff like "I love you to" or "Are you feeling alright?"
Its like anything dealing with honest human emotion other than sarcasm is just impossible for me.
I do have emotions anger and sadness...but even when I am pissed off or about to cry if I am in front of someone I just feel sick to my stomach and wait until I am in private to let go. And I can't help it. Its like my head forces everything else in me to not show emotions other than happiness in front of people.

I didn't really know how this could affect someone physically until I thought about all the times I have completely frozen up just by my mother asking "Do you care?" I feel my head goes numb... I shake... And I get cotton mouth or I feel sick.

And I want to tell her my feelings but its like they refuse to come out. And when I do say something...its never what I meant it to be. And it usually hurts someones feelings and its usually followed up with "you can have a cold heart"
And its like I don't....but... I do at the same time.

Or the many...MANY times I have been yelled at or made my family angry because I have a hard time showing concern. My sister got into a car wreck recently and even though I was deeply concerned... Its not what showed. And this pissed off people.

I have no true feelings for my family outside of my parents and sister. My grandmother is sick and honestly...I could careless.

I have an idea of where this trait may have came from. But it's almost 21 years of trying to be someone I am not kind of shit. So I won't go too far into it.

I dont know if I truly have this personality trait but a lot of the problems I read seemed to fit me. I may or may not truly have this trait...but it is nice to know there are other people who have similar stories

18.01.2020 by User43279B98

Hey there, I know this response is kind of late. But anyway, I'm sorry for your situation. I totally understand what you mean. I don't have this issue so much anymore, but I used to get accused of being cold or unempathetic a lot. My brother still comes off that way to people. I don't know if he has alexithymia, but when our dog died a few months ago, one of my first reactions was to talk to my mom. I told her "No matter how he reacts, even if he doesn't cry, don't think he doesn't care. It hurts so much to care, but be accused of being heartless. Don't do that to him."

I find it sad I have to tell my own mother not to do that to her child. But people just are that way, it doesn't occur to them that you can care and just not express it in a conventional way.